It's been way too long since I've shared a post and I've been doing a lot of thinking lately lol, so thought I'd share.
Revelation #1: To start, over Christmas Break I realized how negatively I talk to myself. I had never realized before that even when I'm trying to "improve" myself, I'm doing so by telling myself that it'll be fine if I start working out. "Sicily you're really hot, but you're gonna look even better once you keep working out." "Your anxiety has been bad but it's okay because you're gonna start journaling every day and prioritizing your personal time." It's like I've always been giving myself backhanded compliments. I'm constantly telling myself things I should improve about myself and it's not even intended to be in a negative way, but I realized how terrible that makes me feel about myself. I still find myself doing this everyday. Just yesterday I was telling myself how I know I'll be more productive and a better version of myself when the weather improves. While that might be true, that's not giving myself any credit for the amazing version I am right now. Which leads me into my next revelation.
Revelation #2: I realized how much pressure I put on myself all the time. I never give myself a break to relax or rest. If I'm watching Netflix, I'm constantly thinking about all the other things I should be doing even if they aren't things that need to be done in that moment. I never gave myself the grace to rest. My schedule this semester is demanding and when I come back to my room, I'm often really tired and I just want to lay in bed. It's the realization that that is okay! It's okay that because I worked hard all day, I need a minute to rest. The Lord literally says that rest is good, yet I've always viewed it as a bad thing. Being easier on myself overall has been something I've really been trying to be better at. Giving myself grace to do what I feel like in that moment and not thinking about how it affects every future moment. This has been giving me so much peace because I'm meeting myself where I'm at and accepting that! Something else that I've always put pressure on is that I am happy and at 100% every single day. However, obviously we know this isn't realistic and lately I found myself feeling like I was going through the week just praying it would be the weekend already. I hated this feeling because I just wanted to feel "normal" or like okay about the week. I knew it was unrealistic to feel overjoyed everyday so I just wanted to feel okay every day. That same day I saw a video where a guy was saying he also wanted to feel that normal feeling everyday, but that his therapist told him to think about a heart monitor. It moves up and down, and when it becomes flat, you've flatlined. I kid you not, I have thought about this every single day since then. Because it's so true, you are going to have the ups and downs and that is exactly the way God created life to be! Like what an incredible thing that he gives us these incredible amazing moments to make up for the low ones.
Revelation #3: Something else that has helped me come to peace with myself is that I have been able to look back on how far I've come with things. I have severe anxiety and yet every year I look back on the past year and so overlook the progress I've made. I now have the confidence that the people in my life actually like me for me. I now believe that when people meet me, they remember me and I can say hi to them. I rest assured that even though I might not be in a group chat or included in a certain plan does not mean those friends don't like me or want me in their life. Let me just say having confidence in myself and my friendships literally changes everything. I definitely still need my reassurance lol, but I now feel confident enough in myself that I don't need reassurance from others every single day. And that is an incredible feeling. I was listening to a podcast this morning of a girl that I normally am very similar to mentally. She was recaping her 2022 and giving her 2023 resolutions and a lot of her resolutions had to do with helping her anxiety. For the first time, there were a few things she said she wanted to work on, that I realized I had worked on. They were things that I realized I used to do and I no longer think about! It was a really cool moment to be proud of how much I've grown because I often overlook that and fill that with things I need to continue changing about myself.
Revelation #4: Everything works out. We all know this and tell ourselves this all the time. Lately, I've really been trying to live by this and it's so freeing. Trusting that I know the universe and God will align things has been so comforting. On Sunday, I was on the verge of tears because I was so overwhelmed and I just wanted a break but I looked at my calendar and didn't see a break any time soon. Well, what happened literally the next day? School was cancelled for the whole week. What an incredible God send moment. I now feel refreshed and ready to tackle this big and busy month ahead. Recently, there have been quite a few things that normally I put on myself to worry about. My brother is looking at colleges and I would love to be close to him but I know that God has a plan for where he is going to go and how that will affect Enzo and I's relationship. And I trust that. Another thing that I can't control that I was able to give up and trust the Lord in recently was a relationship between some of my friends. There have been a lot of things lately that don't directly affect me, but in a way will and I realized that I can't try and control those things because the future has already been mapped out and guess what? It all works out. And cmon we all know that it always has.
Revelation #5: I think I'm finally at peace and good with being single. Yes kind of an abrupt one lol. But I truly do feel at peace with just myself for I think the first time in my life. I feel like I've said I'm content being single for years now, but I don't think I ever truly meant it. This doesn't mean I don't want a relationship or sometimes wish I was in one, but I really feel good about my singleness right now and being able/ only having to focus on myself. Like I'm so content with my life and the people that surround me right now. I feel so loved by everyone around me and I'm not dating someone, and I think I used to always think all these voids would be filled by a relationship, but once I realized that that was not at all true, those voids began to fill with the correct things, like loving myself and the Lord.
I feel so much peace right now with all of this. This doesn't mean that life has been all peachy lately. I'm still an exhausted college student that doesn't know where she's going in life or what is going to happen, but for the first time I have peace in that. A week ago, I felt so just bleh about life and was trying to find what was missing, but I was overlooking all of the amazing moments that I actually had happening around me. I went to make a January recap post this morning and realized how incredibly sweet life has been lately. Okay, sorry this was so long y'all, it's been a while since we've caught up, but here's where I'm at lately!
Also, me being me, is attributing all of this with my brunette era and I'm living for it. Okay, that's all. Love you all :)
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