How Are You?

How are you? A simple question. One that I've been getting alot. One that at the beginning of summer I challenged myself to not just respond "good" to. One that lately, I honestly don't know how to answer.

I'm happy. I think. I mean I am, I'm hanging out with my incredible friends all the time and facetiming those that I can't physically be with. I'm traveling, not working as much. Living an ideal summer home from college. I feel content for the first time in a while. But at the same time, I just feel eh. Like am I happy, am I content, or am I just trying to convince myself that I am. So honestly, the rest of this is just for me so I can try and figure out how the f I am feeling, but because I overshare my entire life, y'all get to read it too.

My stomach has been bad. I think it's my anxiety making it worse, but what am I really anxious about? I don't know. My stomach is bad, therefore, I don't want to eat, therefore I'm not always. I've been through this before, I know what my ED has looked like in the past. Catching myself early this time is great, but still extremely difficult. I noticed the signs. The sleeping in till 12 so that I don't have to eat breakfast. The making smoothies for every meal. The alcohol I drink because then I won't be hungry for dinner. The one meal a day that causes me to binge eat a snack at 10pm, making myself hate myself for it. I'm watching myself and having other people hold me accountable, I know I'll be alright. It doesn't help that I stepped on a scale and saw a much higher number than I expected. I didn't care at first until I started looking at myself in a bikini. I know it's stupid because I'm so lucky to have the body that I do, but I'm also trying to accept and face the way that I feel.

I'm single. We all know this lol. This summer that's been hard for me to accept. Everytime I feel like I've gotten to a place where I'm content with that, suddenly I'm not again. I want that person, but I also realize that I romanticize the idea of being in a relationship. I love being single, being able to do literally whatever I want. It's gonna take alot for someone to take that away from me. I also have such amazing people surrounding me right now, that for someone else to come into the picture they'd have to be something special that's for sure. Not gonna lie tho and say that there aren't men that I still think about from time to time. And that for some freaking reason the men I keep falling for don't have the qualities I want in a guy. I don't know, obviously this part of my life is kinda a mess. It's fun and funny and it's allowing me to just live life, but I think I need to be better at acknowledging how I feel and that it's okay for that to change everyday.

My faith life. Well, I just opened my Bible last week for the first time all summer sooo. I'm doing things I'd never want God to see, even though I know he sees them. I can't bring myself to face Him, but I know he's already seen it all and that He's just waiting for me to come back. Part of me feels like this is why everything else in my life feels crazy.

They say your room right now looks like your brain feels, and well, I'm sure after reading this you can assume how my room looks right now lol. At the end of the day, I'm human, I feel emotions, that I often don't allow myself to feel. I often tell myself how I should feel instead of truly accepting the way that I do. I feel confused. I feel grounded yet so lost at the same time. So with that I ask all of you, how are you? how are you really?